Ice

After such a terrible war, I'd found someone, someone to share life with. So beautiful, so perfect- someone who understands; just to lose it all again, let it all go like this? As she stood there, tears streaming down her face, I wanted so much to run to her, hold her in my arms, say "everything's alright", just feel the touch of her hand against mine.

But I felt only ice.

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Ice in my heart. Ice in my head. All that time, before I met him, there I was, just living my life. But then I realised- that wasn't living. Then he came, turned my life upside-down, sent it flying through time and space, he showed me things I could hardly believe, that was living.

And now this. I wanted to stand there forever, my eyes locked with his-this man who had taken me to the dark place inside myself and set fire to my heart. We could travel anywhere in time and space, yet here- now, this was ...goodbye. I realised then I had to say it. Those 3 little words that had been in my head for so long, but I'd never done anything about it. "I...I love you-". As I said it, I thought of all the things you're meant to feel, fireworks, butterflies- like our first kiss. I didn't feel anything. All I felt was ice.

Why? Why hadn't I said it before? Three words, when we had all the time in the world- in the universe. That was my last chance. And I hadn't finished the sentence. "Rose Tyler...I--" and then I was back in the TARDIS. Too late. My hologram had faded, the final, tiny gap sealed off; forever. "...I love you" I whispered to the empty silence. 

And the words rested like ice in both my hearts.

He was gone. Really gone - Forever. I would never hold his hand, hear his voice or see his face again. And as I thought of all the things we had done, everything we meant to do, 

the ice in my heart spread through my body- and fell in my tears. 

Not a day went by when I didn't think of her. There was always something; a thought, a word, something someone did, that would remind me of her. Her old t-shirt was found in the TARDIS, and it smelled just like her. When I closed my eyes, hers were staring back at me. Even when I was hiding as a human, when I thought she was only a dream, saying her name hurt like being stabbed by a spear of ice. And then captain Jack bumped into us- he thought she was dead. "she's safe" I assured, but the words felt cold. Safe? maybe. But trapped. And so far away...

I woke from another dream; this time it was different. I knew I could find him now. I've been trying for so long, but I'll never give up. Something's happening. This is not just another dream I'll soon wake from. If only he could see me! Maybe, here in this weird alternate reality, I can do something. We have to get out of it- somehow. I felt sorry for Donna, but I know everything will be alright- I'm gonna find the doctor! As Donna lay there, I bent over and whispered in her ear. A message for the doctor. Just two words...

...Bad Wolf! It was her! It had to be her! I looked around- everything had changed. All the signs on Shan Shen, and even the TARDIS doors- everything said "Bad Wolf!" I rushed into the TARDIS, straight to earth. 

But she wasn't here. How could she nit be here?! Everyone was here-except for Rose. "you met Rose" I urged Donna. "in the parallel world; what did she say?"

Donna broke into a smile "Why don't you ask her yourself?" ...I turned around and there she stood! Rose Tyler! My Rose Tyler! She started running, and I ran too, and as soon as her eyes met mine, the ice inside my hearts shattered and Exploded into sunshine.

I had made it! I've really made it! Back in my world, with my doctor standing there! I started running- and all the ice inside me melted away, and my heart filled with sunshine.